just wanna be alone, for a while...

my self-confidence, self-assurance, or whatever you say it, i lost it, yesterday. i really really did lose it, there's nothing left that could make me stand up tall or smile.
that was happened when i met my aunt, and her daughter. i came to their office actually. and... suddenly i felt like there was a giant ugly stone that stuck in my throat, and also my heart. so, that things made me feel depressed,and want to cry so badly. well, they also said things about my body, like how thin i was (am), pimple on my back, and my education. if you guys are a mind reader, you'll know exactly that those things, my body shape, my education, and my skin problem, those such things are forbidden topics to me. mostly, my aunt and her daughter are stranger to me, who create this weird feeling (depressed) for me, without even trying, or blinking.
ugh! it's hard to tell. the bottom line is that i have trouble to meet my relatives, except my parents and my sisters. that i feel depressed when i meet them, i fidget having them around me, and i lost self-confidence right away when i see their face or any part of their body. and, so, this sickness continue days after the meeting.
and, you, people should know that i couldn't and can't control it.



i need time, i need to find my own skill, something to be proud of, something that could make me feel exist, something that could make me stand up tall, i need to be alone.


so, please, please, please, please, keep them away for me, or indeed keep me away from them. so i can figure this out, otherwise i couldn't smile again like i used to, like in that profile picture.


i know the problem is in me...

thanks to lily!

i always get myself left behind the other, at least that's what i feel.

1. my education, definitely not smooth, for real, i'm not smart. no trophy, nothing to be proud of.
2. relationship? i'm suck at relationship. i mean i don't have one. but the most important thing is friendship. fortunately, i have those crazy girls or women or whatever they are, who always cheer me up.
3. another skill? well, i don't have one.



i don't know, but it seems that all my plans are wasted. i guess i'm afraid now, that my plans, my dreams, won't come true, not even one. sigh...

but then this quote makes me feel much better. oh, thank God!


"you can't design your life like a building,
it doesn't work that way...
you just have to live it, and it will design itself."(lily-HIMYM)

the one

based on quotes from How I Met Your Mother...


"he's on his way,

he's getting here as fast as he can,

he's the one for me..."



hahahaha... nice!